writing

PATTERSON HOOD’S TOP TEN NEW ALBUMS (+REISSUES AND MORE)

Every year I find myself compiling a list of my favorite albums and other things.

Compared to 06, this year was a little bit anti-climactic, only because last year had such a bounty of amazing albums and even better films.

That said, the albums, movies and other things on this list would make for a stellar year at any point in my memory.

Apologies to the better movies I haven't yet seen or better albums I haven't yet heard. I bought a lot of music and saw a good number of films, but there's only so many hours in a day.

I always revise my lists later and that could surely happen again this year.

Stay Tuned.

PATTERSON HOOD - TOP TEN (new releases) 2007

1. IRON AND WINE - THE SHEPHERDS DOG - An incredible album that rewards multiple listens and my pick for the best album of the year.

2. RADIOHEAD - IN RAINBOWS - My close pick for second favorite. After all the hype of how it was released (or not), the album stands on its own as their best work since Kid A, maybe better.

3. WILCO - SKY BLUE SKY - Their best studio album. Even better when played live. Possibly the best band in America.

4. VIC CHESNUTT - NORTH STAR DESERTER - I've been saying this is his finest since West of Rome (1992) but upon further listening, this is his best album ever.

5. SPOON -GA GA GA GA GA - My vote for most fun album of year. Great live act also.

6. WHITE STRIPES - ICKY THUMP - Their finest album yet. inventive and a total blast.

7. RICKIE LEE JONES - THE SERMON ON EXPOSITION AVE. - Her finest album since 1981's masterpiece Pirates. Beautiful and inspiring.

8. PORTER WAGONER - WAGONMASTER - Thank God, he got to make this album before his sad departure this year. Kudos to Anti Records and Marti Stuart for making this happen.

9. BO BEDDINGFIELD AND THE WYDELLES - CLEARGREEN - Hard to find, self released EP from Athens GA. Well worth seeking out for great writing, singing and playing.

10. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN - MAGIC - Best Springsteen album since Nebraska, his best Rock album since The River. A little over-produced, but still essential


REISSUES / UNRELEASES / DISQUALIFIERS and honorable mentions

SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE - THERE'S A RIOT GOING ON (reissue) - My most listened to album of year and a revelation.

DEXATEENS - SINGLEWIDE - (unreleased) Not the one I co-produced. This one is newer, better and still unreleased (produced by Mark Nevers). A total departure and fantastic. Look for it in 08.

BIG STAR - 3RD - (vinyl reissue, correct sequence) Finally, the correct order, or at least the best sequence I've ever heard. A masterpiece that sounds MUCH better on vinyl

PATTI GRIFFIN - CHILDREN RUNNING THROUGH - An amazing artist at her best. The duet w/ Emmylou sends chills at every listen.

PJ HARVEY - WHITE CHALK - A quiet subdued beautiful work of art. Her best in 7 years.

ECCENTRIC SOUL vol. 7 - HOME SCHOOLED (The ABC's of Kid Soul) - This is exactly what it says, the kid groups that didn't hit it big like the Jacksons. Incredible.

BETTYE LAVETTE - THE SCENE OF THE CRIME - I couldn't really put this in my top ten, as my band and my Dad played on it and I co-produced it, but it really deserves special mention and "Talking Old Soldiers" would have put it in my top ten had I not been in any way involved.


MOVIES / LIVE SHOWS / BOOKS and WHATNOTS

SCHULZ AND PEANUTS by David Michaelis Great book on the creator of Charlie Brown. A fine glimpse into the relationship between a life and art.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (Film by Joel and Ethan Coen / Novel by Cormac McCarthy)- My fave film of year and an incredible timeless read by one of the best living authors.

EASTERN PROMISES (film by David Cronenberg) - Terrifying and suspenseful movie.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E. STREET BAND - United Center, Chicago IL 10/21/07 Still the best arena rock show in the world.

NEKO CASE (w/ Jon Rauhouse and Kelly Hogan) - Hi Tone, Memphis TN Friday 4/13/07 My favorite album last year and favorite club show this year. Can't wait til next year.

THE WAR - Documentary by Ken Burns 16+ hours of WW2 through the eyes of 4 American towns.

TOM PETTY AND THE HEARTBREAKERS - Documentary DVD by Peter Bogdonovich (Director's Cut) 4 hr. documentary on an American treasure. A reminder of how great he's always been.

WILCO - Austin City Limits Taping , Austin TX 9/15/07 As fine as their new album is, they're even better live.

JAN. 26 2007

HOWDY:
Hope everyone out there had a good holiday season and all that crap.
Glad to be home for a while, but it's gonna be a busy year anyway.

I'll be playing some solo dates in the SE in march and april.
Stay tuned here for announcements as they get confirmed.
I'll also keep you posted about a release plan for MURDERING OSCAR (and other love songs) which I'll be mastering in a couple of weeks, some upcoming recording projects, and even a bit of DBT news as things progress.

Also, if you're into lyrics and shit, I've been posting some of my new writings on the Writings page on this site.
I've been writing a bunch since I got home from the road, and some of that stuff might pop up on a future release.

Thanks again to everyone who supported the ROCK last year and I look forward to more of the same plus some new tricks in the next few months.

Oh yeah, I know it's a new year and all, but there's still some unsolved business from last year (and the year before).
Our Commander and Chief forgot to mention New Orleans in his big speech the other night, but our friends on the Gulf Coast haven't been forgotten.
Don't forget to support any efforts anyone is putting forth at raising money or awareness for the folks down there.
Everybody should do what they can.
Every month that goes by without that being properly addressed is to our great nation's shame.

RAISE HELL AND RENEW ORLEANS.

See You at The Rock Show,
Patterson Hood

FEB. 27, 2006

Y'ALL:

First I want to thank everyone who came out this past week and supported DBT as we went out and road tested some of the new stuff. 3 sold out shows in 4 nights, fantastic audiences all four.
I'm happy with how the new songs are integrating in and especially happy with the higher energy level this year's model seems to be turning out.

Busy learning Stones' songs for Thursday's Homeless Shelter Benefit here in Athens.
Should be a killer great time and for great local cause.

Friday is my last solo show for a good long while.
It's in Atlanta. (a href="http://www.andrewsupstairs.com/">Andrew's Upstairs), New venue for me.
Looking forward to it all.

After that it's back to full-time DBT as we head to Florida, Texas, then Spain, Holland, Belgium, England, Scotland and Ireland.
New album A Blessing and a Curse on April 18th.
Massive USA Tour to follow.

Thanks again for everything and for all of Y'all who turned out for the solo shows these past couple of months.
See you at THE ROCK SHOW,
Patterson Hood

FEB. 2, 2006

Y'ALL:

HAPPY 2006, one month down, eleven to go.
Had fun at the 3 night stand DBT 40 Watt extravaganza.
Still getting over the bird flu or whatever the fuck has been going around and reeking havok on my lungs, sinuses and stomach.
Have a handful of solo shows coming up, the I won't be doing many at all for a while, as DBT is about to get busy.
Monday night I'll play Flicker in Athens for last time for a long time.
I'll have some special guests, Neff and Brad and a couple of dear friends from Texas that will be sitting in.
Get there early, as Flicker is tiny and it will sell out (its an early show anyway).

My good friend Don Chambers is going to Germany and doing some Eurotouring for a few months, so we all wish him well.

Shows coming up in Charleston SC (my first solo show there in several years), Raleigh NC (been a while there too) and Columbia SC.
Augusta and Atlanta are coming soon.
I'll also be playing some Stones covers in early march at a benefit for the local homeless shelter.
I'll be putting together a badass band for that, so come out. (40 Watt March 2)

DBT's new single FEB 14 is available for free download on our website.
Don't let the feds fool ya, play that shit loud and blow those eardrums up.
Rock has been making folks deaf since the 50's, shoulda happened sooner.
By the way, contrary to popular op. it ain't a love song or even a valentines day song.
It's a big loud fuck you and the shelf life for that goes way beyond the 15th.

My solo album is still on shelf waiting for Bob Barker to say "come on down".
It don't have an expiration date either, only my patience to wear thin.
In the meantime, I'm letting the fine folks at Ghostmeat have one track for their annual ATHFEST CD.
This is their tenth anniversary, and they're rereleasing a vintage DBT track from 98 (a scorching live version of The Living Bubba recorded at The High Hat in Athens at DBT's Gangstabilly CD Release show). They asked me for a new song too, so I'm letting them have HEAVY AND HANGING from my Murdering Oscar album. Barbe's mixing it tomorrow, so it should be all chrome and steel when she rounds the bend.

Speaking of Barbe, he and I just finished tracking a bunch of songs from THE DEXATEENS. If you haven't heard of them, check them out.
They're based out of Tuscaloosa AL and write and play fantastic songs.
Their last album Red Dust Rising made my top 5 last year, and I was honored as hell when they asked David and I to produce their followup.
The recording sessions went great and I'm thrilled with the upcoming album. We still need to mix it down, but its a keeper and I was proud to be there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Rebecca and Ava.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jason and Shonna also.

Don't forget to keep checking in, both here and at the DBT site, as the new album is coming soon, lots of tour dates are about to be announced, and we promise to keep the propaganda flowing like sweet cheap wine.

See you at THE ROCK SHOW,
Patterson Hood


---Front Page from Jan 2006---

PATTTERSON HOOD - TOP TEN (or so) ALBUMS plus OTHER HIGHLIGHTS from 2005

1. My Morning Jacket - Z
Great band from Louisville KY rises to the occasion (and then some) with my favorite "released" album of the year.

2. Sufjan Stevens - Come On Feel The Illinoise
This one gets the prize for craziest idea, actually executed. Brilliant Northern Rock followup to his Michigan album, makes me look forward to the next 48.

3. The Dexateens - Red Dust Rising
My top 3 keep swapping places, but this one is easily my "most often played" album of the year. This one breaks no new ground, but the songs are incredible from the writing to the feel. "Devoted To Lonesome" is #2 in the nation if there was any justice in Rock.

4. Eddie Hinton - Beautiful Dreams (The Songwriting Sessions Volume 3)
This one is pt.3 of Zane Records incredible series of previously unreleased Hinton sides. This one took a little longer, but keeps growing daily. Hinton is THE great unknown soul singer and easily one of the finest writers and guitarists ever to make records. He's been dead over a decade but word is just now starting to spread. A buried treasure.

5. TIE: Don Chambers and GOAT - GOAT
Don is currently my favorite Athens artist and this album is non-stop fun. Another real grower.

5. TIE: Calexico and Iron and Wine - in The Reins
An addictive little tonic like a fire in a fireplace on a chilly night.

6. The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
Now that the backlash is setting in, they make possibly their finest album yet. Far better to me than the over-rated Elephant, they did the impossible of writing about the dark side of fame and made it all fun to listen to.

7. Common - Be
My favorite hip hop album (if it's even that) this year. Some really good songs and a far better than Kanye's over-hyped let down.

8. James McMurtry - Childish Things
Maybe the most under-rated songwriter out right now. He's finally made an album as good as the songs in it. "We Can't Make It Here" is as good as any classic Merle Haggard song and the title cut is the better than any Springsteen song of the last 17 years.

9. Bloodkin - Last Night Out
Another local act, not sure if this is even "officially" out, but deserves to be. This has some of the most disturbing songs I've ever heard, in that Big Star 3rd, Tonight's the Night kind of way, only it sounds like the Stones record they forgot how to make about 30 years ago. This one will probably move up my list as I keep listening to it.

10. John Hiatt - Master of Disaster
Have to confess here, my Dad plays bass on it, but no shit it's by far the best Hiatt album since 1988's Slow Turning.

ALSO GREAT AND OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Centro-Matic - Fort Recovery
This one ain't out yet, but I love it more than any album all year. My favorite band has made their best album. A masterpiece.

2. A History of Violence (movie)
Probably my favorite film so far this year.

3. Wilco Live in Spain this september
Don't remember the date, but I saw for 2 nights in a row why so many folks think they're the best band
in America.

4. Neil Young live at The Ryman August 19, 2005
An amazing show in an amazing venue.

MORE RECORDS:
Robbie Fulks - Georgia Hard
Dios - Dios
South San Gabriel - The Carlton Chronicles
Wilco - Kicking Television
FAVORITE SONG: Decatur (Sufjan Stevens)
FAVORITE SONGS (Not on an Album): Fountains Of Wayne Hotline - Robbie
Fulks and Actual Quotes From An Actual Fan - Vic Chesnutt

With the birth of our daughter Ava Ruth, and all the other blessings of this past year, 2005 has been an incredible year. Not without its share
of bumps and misfires, I am nonetheless convinced that I am the luckiest man alive. Rebecca and I are still moved and blown away by everyone's love and support in this important first year of figuring out how to be parents. Thanks to all the fine folks who have supported
my band and my solo endeavors.

Next year DBT will be putting out our new album "A BLESSING AND A CURSE" which we just finished and of which I'm very proud. We do plan an extensive tour beginning in early 2006.

I also hope to release my solo album "MURDERING OSCAR (and other love songs)" some time in the not too distant future, although well after
the release of the DBT album.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAVE AN INCREDIBLE 2006
And a special holiday prayer for our friends in the middle east, here's hoping for a safe return soon.

SEE YOU AT THE ROCK SHOW!
Sincerely,
Patterson Hood


---Front Page from Dec 2005---

Y'ALL:

In honor of the premiere tonight of Peter Jackson's long awaited remake of King Kong I was thinking of posting my King Kong song to my solo website.
I recorded it last week, on a whim.
The song was written early in the year, 5 days before Ava Ruth was born.
I can't say I was thinking about the actual movie when I wrote it (can't actually say what I was thinking about).

The original King Kong was of course an all time classic great movie, forever linked to our consciousness with the architecture of New York City circa 1933. The makers of the new film were wise to keep it in that context, as its the only one that could really work with that story. A story far to simple to fly in today's complicated world, which leads me to the doomed remake of 1976.

In an attempt to update it for modern tastes (modern circa 1976, the year of Rocky, Network, and the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence) the film makers moved Kong from the top of the Empire State Building to the "bigger" more modern World Trade Towers. Like everything else about the film, it didn't really work. As a movie, it was slow and plodding wasting the fine acting talents of Jeff Bridges, Charles Groden and the very "hot" Jessica Lange, who really had nothing to do but scream and try to look sultry as Kong blew his bad breath on her at every turn. Producer Dino De Laurentis had hoped to out-gross Jaws, which was at that time the biggest money maker in the world. The movie was panned and Johnny Carson joked that you couldn't get a monkey to do a fishes job. (Six months later, the original Star Wars certainly did do the job).

After 9/11, however, the film seemed to take on a different aura. I hadn't thought about the movie in years, but soon after that horrible sunshiny day I stumbled upon an old cut out of the remake's ad showing a giant defiant Kong, battling fighter planes from atop the doomed towers. I have to admit it took on an added weight certainly not generated by the film itself. Perhaps this is what caused me to write the song.

On one final slightly related note, last week I flew in and out of NYC to master our new album. At the airport I purchased a book on the history of the twin towers, the battles over the neighborhood that was torn down to make room for them, the engineering struggles to build such a thing, and its doomed history itself. The book mentioned another "bad" disaster flick from the same era, ironically directed by the same man, John Guillermin's high rise catastrophe The Towering Inferno. That film was a huge hit one year after the dedication of the WTC and led some folks to question the fire safety of such tall buildings.

My song KING KONG '76 may later appear in some other form, or it may end up in that big scrap heap of forgotten songs, but I do have a decent recording of me attempting to play it on piano (it was the first song I've written on a piano in over 20 years and I'm no Liberace). I figured I could at least put it out here before everyone gets so sick of the subject that my poor song faces the inevitable backlash that will certainly occur.
ENJOY.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, and see you at the picture show.
Patterson Hood

KING KONG 76

King Kong dropped the girl fell off the building they both went splat and that was that for beauty and gorilla

King Kong kept the girl crashed the planes and lived to tell the tale of profiteers brought down in tears as he slept with Jessica Lange and Dino D.L. can go to hell in the city

Dino D.L. can go to hell in the city

Patterson Hood – Feb. 2, 2005 on piano


---Front Page from Early 2005---

HOWDY, been a while.

Been a busy year so far, a bunch of shows, some recording, my baby daughter.

Recorded new solo album in January;

Murdering Oscar (and other love songs)

It's nearly finished. Not sure when it will be out, but I'll try to keep you posted.
Had a great time making it and very happy with how it's turned out.
Played with my dad on three songs. Brad Morgan, David Barbe, John Neff and Don Chambers played on it, as did Cooley, Jason and Shonna. Oreinda Fink of Azure Ray and Will Johnson and Scott Danbom from Centro-Matic.

Ava Ruth was born in February. Thanks for all the kind wishes and baby gifts. I'm still working on the thank you notes, but haven't forgotten.

DBT hit the road in March and played a shitload of shows. Cross country and back, London, Holland, Belgium and Norway. We put out a live DVD and reissued our first two albums (Gangstabilly and Pizza Deliverance). We've started work on the next DBT album (#7 coming next year).

In august, Cooley and I will have been playing together for 20 years. We got some celebration plans up our sleeves, but like everything else, it will be on its own time frame.

September takes us back to Europe. Spain, Norway, England and Scotland.

Later on we'll be working on the next record and working on some other projects.

Thanks for checking out my website. We'll keep you posted about upcoming projects as well as a release date for Murdering Oscar (and other love songs). Have a listen to a rough mix of a track for the album.

See you out there soon.
Patterson

POLLYANNA

I drank some coffee while I waited at the station
She's brought back souvenirs from every vacation
Said "Don't look now, Doll, your neurosis' are showing"
I tried to compliment her nose but she could tell that mine was growing

Pollyanna does not live here

Thought about the way things change and how she used to be
Guess I wanted that girl again, guess it wasn't meant to be
She had a warmth about her that could not melt an ice cube
If I could go back in time I'd bring you back a Quaalude

Pollyanna does not live here
Pollyanna has moved far far away

The bed got sticky, the floor got sticky
The kitchen table went crashing down
I was sticky and she was sticky
Too bad she could not stick around

Everything sticks to her like glue
But I'm just something she's got stuck to the bottom of her shoe
And when she's through with me I guess I'll follow through
And wait for something new to stick to

Pollyanna does not live here
Pollyanna has moved far far away

Lyrics: Patterson Hood / Music: Patterson Hood and Mike Cooley - Memphis 1991
Patterson Hood - Gtr / Mike Cooley - Gtr / David Barbe - Bass / Brad Morgan - Drums / Scott Danbom - Piano / Will Johnson and Scott Danbom - Harmonies




---Front Page from Feb 2005---
As a special treat in celebration of Patterson's brand new daughter, Ava Ruth Hood born Feb 7 at 11:20 pm, he wanted to put up this rough cut of the song "Granddaddy" from his up-and-coming new solo CD. Please note that this is a pre-mix version.

Check it out!


---Front Page from 2004---


I recorded Killers and Stars, by myself, in the dining room of the house where I was living, in early March, 2001. I had just gotten divorced, was fighting with the band and a good number of my friends. I was feeling pretty freaked out and isolated and this album was my therapy. Most of the songs were within a couple of weeks old (although a couple of songs dated back quite a few years).

I recorded the album in two consecutive nights, then ran down some rough mixes myself (with no outboard sweetening at all) about a week later.

When I was finished I was pretty sure it was pure shit. It had been more of a personal project and wasn't anything I had any desire to release or for that matter even finish. Like I said, therapy (or an exorcism or whatever).

The band, however, was taking some time off the road to finish mixing our new album and just generally cool off from a really intense time of touring and recording. It was also a time to deal with some personal demons that were ravaging our personal lives and were beginning to spill over into our relationships with each other.

In the meantime, I had to make some money to pay the bills and above all else, just needed to get the fuck out of town to figure some shit out. I booked a solo tour and hit the road, spending most of the month of April based out of Baltimore (and later did the same thing based out of Denton Texas).

At the last minute, I hastily pressed off a few hundred copies, made a cover for them, and sold them at my solo shows as a "1st draft / work in progress". My friend Jason drew the cover art and my friend Jenn put the cover together.

After the Texas tour, I got busy working with the band and doing all the necessary shit to get our new album out. Then the band hit the road and spent the next 14 months touring. Killers and Stars sort of got left behind. I really all but forgot about it, as soon we were all busy writing and recording for our next album, touring, and just day to day living.

As a couple of years passed, copies of the album kept getting passed around. Occasionally I would press up a few for some solo shows here or there and occasionally I would give some thought to actually finishing it.

Recently I dug a copy out and gave it a serious listen. In some respects it was like listening to someone else. Most of the demons that inspired these songs have long since been laid to rest (or at least replaced by others), but the album kinda holds up for what it is. I decided not to "finish" it, as I'm in a very different place now, and it works best as a sparse document of a shitty time. I did, however, get David Barbe to come in and master it and attempt to get the most out of the tracks that are there.

Thanks to Earl Hicks for loaning me the recording gear and making it possible. Thanks also to Ed McGruder and Musicians Warehouse in Athens GA. For loaning me a board to use. Thanks to Rodney Henry, Bennie, Sarah, and all the fine Baltimore folks who took such fine care of me that spring. Thanks to Marianne Lacko, John Agee, Handsome Joel, and Slobberbone for doing the same in Texas.

Dedicated to Handsome Joel.

Open Letter from Patterson

Y'ALL: Last night I finished playing shows for my solo album "KILLERS AND STARS".
Making use of whatever time off I could get around DBT dates, I managed to play on both coasts, Texas, and most recently in Chicago and Minneapolis.
I want to thank all of the folks who came out and supported my efforts.
I truly believe I have the finest audiences of anyone anywhere. I could say the same about all of the DBT folks, with those of you at my solo shows being the best of the best.
I want to thank the promoters and club owners, agents and all of the support crew (mine and local).
Special Thanks to Brad Morgan, who has played with me on the majority of shows, Don Chambers and John Neff, who have played on a bunch of them,
and Matt DeFilippis and Ryan Dowd who have helped beyond belief.
Special Thanks to Patrick Kerr, who took time from his really busy schedule as road manager for DBT to help me out (uncompensated) with all kinds tasks.

Its been a great year, for sure. I got married, am expecting a baby, finally released "KILLERS AND STARS", did some writing, went to Paris and Amsterdam on my honeymoon.
DBT released our best album (or certainly my favorite) "THE DIRTY SOUTH", played close to 200 shows, appeared on Conan and the show formerly known as Craig Kilborne's show.
We toured all over the USA (twice+), Europe, made a video, got played a little on the radio, and had a generally swell time of it.

Next year, we'll be taking it a little slower in the first quarter.
I'm starting work on another solo album, this one with David Barbe producing.
We will cut it at Barbe's studio, about five minutes from my house, in the days leading up to the birth of our baby.
I plan to have some friends and bandmates play on it with me.
I also plan to have my Dad play on it, which will mark only the second time that we have ever gotten to record together.
No release date has been set. we'll get to all of that at a later time.

On DBT news, New West Records is rereleasing our first two albums on january 25.
GANGSTABILLY and PIZZA DELIVERANCE were released in 1998 and 1999 (respectively).
They have never had international distribution, so we are very thrilled.
We recently remastered them both and they sound greatly improved. They will also have new, much improved packaging.
Stay tuned to www.drivebytruckers.com for more information about these and future releases a the time gets closer.

We also have a live DBT DVD coming in the spring.

Finally, DBT plans to continue touring and promoting "THE DIRTY SOUTH" throughout 2005.
Hopefully Jason Isbell's incredible solo album will be forthcoming in the very near future also.

Again, I want to thank all of the New West folks for being so kind and patient with us, Scott, David, Jenn, Leslie, Andy, Matt, Frank, Reid, Andrew, Traci, Peter, and all of you for making 2004 my favorite year.
SEASONS GREETINGS and a very happy 2005
Patterson Hood

UNCLE PHIL AND AUNT PHYLLIS IN THE MONTH AFTER THE ELECTION

Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis started speaking again finally. They're not exactly newlyweds, although they once did appear on the hit TV show with that title. They didn't win, but came home with a toaster oven that they used daily until that unfortunate mishap a few years back.

When they met, Phil was a Vietnam War protester, in DC for a rally outside the Pentagon. She was there marching for women's rights. She set fire to her bra outside the hotel where they both happened to be staying. She was actually just practicing, as her raising had never taught her such things and she wanted to make sure that she got it right in case Walter Cronkite happened to be there. In the end, she never knew, because the massive flame from her ample cup sizes set fire to some debris behind the hotel, starting a chain reaction that ended up evacuating the place and causing three battalions of firemen to miss their dinner. For Phil, it was love at first sight.

They married and tried in vain to have children. Boy did they try. Their attempts were sometimes so feverous and rowdy that they were often evicted. It was around this time that they switched from dogs to cats, as Phyllis' dog kept thinking that Phil was hurting her and would jump on the bed and bite Phil on the ass as they went at it like wild pigs in heat. The cats were certainly disgusted by all of this, but were much too disinterested in anyone's well being to try to interfere. Eventually they adopted little Chang, but he wasn't much of a talker.

Later still, during those zany Jimmy Carter years, they, as folks with good intentions sometimes do, moved to Florida to be closer to Phil's family. Unfortunately within six months all of Phil's family there died and they were left stranded in that God-forsaken place. Phyllis always said she loved living near the water, but I don't think she has actually seen the beach in at least twenty-two years. Between her migraines and her psoriasis and Phil's cholesterol level, somehow worshipping the sun has lost its appeal.

Chang got a full scholarship to some almost ivy-league school and was never seen again. Phyllis was and still is a secretary for a very rich but mysterious Floridian that she likes to hint works for the mob. Phil worked his nine to five daily grind until that massive coronary. Now he just sits around and eats, no doubt hoping to finish the job that medical science interfered with. Phyllis likes to eat too, adding a good two hundred pounds to her already ample frame.

Phyllis does still love her liberal causes. She once got so worked up watching President Clinton speak, that she defied her menopause and began menstruating uncontrollably for sixteen days straight. She ended up in the Emergency Room and The National Enquirer. That was before all of the sex scandals that later so captured the collective attentions, but Phyllis nonetheless stood by her man through thick and thin and even went out and found a blue dress just like "that" blue dress, knowing it would be available in her size. In fact, instead of being offended by the moral implications of it all, she took great pride and comfort in knowing that her Bill didn't discriminate against women of size.

For Phil, all of this is just proof that the end is near and good riddance. Last Saturday he passed an entire twelve-pound Thanksgiving turkey out his ass. For about forty-six hours it had been lodged somewhere in his intestinal track and he refused to go to the hospital. Friday evening he began dilating. Saturday morning the water broke, and we all knew the end was eminent. Phyllis had always hated that living room rug and now she was getting a new one.

When Reagan was first elected in 1980, Phil and Phyllis and young Chang all retreated into an abyss of new age religion and philosophy. They hoped that by purifying their existences they could perhaps mantra him out of office and further the causes that suddenly seemed lost. It was around 1983 when Phil started having chest pains and on November of the next year Phyllis was mortified to find out that the man she had married and loved so for fourteen years had voted against the Mondale ticket. It was only a matter of time before they were sleeping in separate bedrooms and eating their breakfasts in near silence.

Phil began listening to talk radio all day and night and would quote it to her whenever she walked by. Phyllis had a brief, but meaningless affair with a golf caddy named Pedro that she met at the Publix while picking up dry goods for her employers' hurricane shelter. Phil, its been said hasn't had an erection since 1985 but he did buy a really fast Mazda and can be heard playing Don Henley tapes at full volume as he squeals around the curves of their suburban hellhole.

This year, Phyllis volunteered for the Edwards campaign, so she was elated when he was chosen as running mate. She found Kerry to be a little dry and stoic, certainly not the magnetic sex machine of her beloved Bill, but she liked his wife's spunky nature and way of pissing people off with her words and opinions, so putting in a few hours on the phones was the least she could do.

Phil put a W sticker on his new RX8 and joined Veterans Against Kerry even though he himself had narrowly escaped the draft and had pledged to move to Canada if otherwise. He would spend his days on his computer, sending e-mail after e-mail to friends and family members extolling the latest feats of "our hero in The White House" and making fun of Michael Moore's waist line (who incidentally actually favors Uncle Phil quite a bit).

On Election Day eve, Phyllis made Phil his favorite casserole, laced with enough Xanax to leave him comatose for at least three days. Phil however was suspicious and fed most of it to their cats, rendering them all unconscious for a week and a half. He retaliated by hiding her dentures and rearranging the wires to the distributor cap on Aunt Phyllis' Taurus. He left for the polling station at the crack of dawn, leaving her still snoring on the Tempurpedic.

In the end they both successfully cancelled each other's votes. They stayed up all night watching the vote counts come in on separate TV sets. He, of course watched his on FOX News, which was his main source of information about the world. She mistrusted mainstream media and aimed her satellite towards some wayward Canadian channel so that she could watch free from American right wing bias. When Kerry called Bush to concede, she ate all of the leftover casserole herself, hoping to sleep through the next four years, but by Thursday she was back at work with a pharmaceutical hangover and a bad case of indigestion.

PHIL'S TRANSPLANT

Ever since the transplant, Phil has been a different man
"My how Phil's changed" is all we ever hear
In the checkout line, at work and home
And Phil's wife has been so lonely.
His life was saved in skin and bone
But his soul just ain't the same

"Ever since the transplant, when he holds me it feels so different"
his wife calmly explained to us
over coffee at the little grey diner.
"He suddenly don't like chocolates
or jazz or foreign movies
just The Weather Channel and The Wall Street Journal".

I changed the oil in my car
and once put in a new carburetor
and with that new compressor
I still have the same refrigerator
and the food that I put in it still tastes the same
but suddenly Phil's changed

Ever since the transplant, Phil has been a different man
Even his hand shake aint the same
and the doctors try to tell us it's all in our heads
just our imaginations
but what do they know?

Patterson Hood - December 1, 2004 and March 2001